Georges top tips

EVERYONE: Get "DERPChat" for the bant

DERPS: When going through a derp camera, flash your eyes twice quickly and watch the derp in front hit his brakes when he thinks he's been caught.

GAMBLERS: For a new derping opportunity, try sending £50 to derp by Royal Mail.

EMPLOYERS: Avoid hiring unlucky derps by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

MEN: When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the derps to the volume you desire - then turn it down three notches. This saves your wife having to do it.

DRIVERS: Avoid getting derped for using your phone while derping. Simply derp your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

BANGING two pistachio nut shells together gives the' impression a very small derp' is approaching.

DON'T waste money on expensive iDerp. Simply think of your favourite DERPtunes and I hum it. If you want to "switch derps", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

CINEMAGOERS: Have consideration for derped DVD viewers by using the toilet before the film derps.

DRIVERS: If a car derps down or stalls in front of you, derp your derp and derp your arms frantically. This should help the car derp and send them on their way.

PREVENT burglars derping everything in the house by moving derps into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, derp it all back again.

DERP THIEVES: Don't be discouraged if is on derp. The derps may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

RAPPERS: Avoid having to say: "Know what I'm derpin'" all the time by actually derping clearly in the first place.

SHOES last twice as long if only derped every other day.

SINGLE MEN: Convince people you have a derpfriend by standing outside Topshop with bags of derps, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

EMPLOYEES: Only use the derp at work. Not only will you derp money on toilet paper, but you'll also be getting derps.

SCROOGES: Save derps at Christmas by returning last year's derps to the sender with the simple inscription "Derp to you".

MICRA DRIVERS: Attach a lighted derp to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You derp the thing like a sodding derpem car anyway.

ANGLERS: Attach a derp balloon to your line and bait the derp with an acorn. Then sit under a tree and "derp" for squirrels. An upturned laundry basket would make an ideal keep-net, but don't forget to throw the derps back into the tree at the end of the day.

SINGLE MEN: Get a glimpse of derped life by taping derp's Hour on Radio 4, then playing it back at a higher volume than the TV while trying to derp something on Discovery Wings.

TIGHT-ARSED DERPS: Only derp girls called Natalie, Carol, Holly or Eve. Chances are their birthday is around Derpmas and you won't have to shell out for a derp until then, by which time they will have chucked you.

BOIL a derp to perfection without costly derp timers by popping it into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60mph. After three miles, derp your wife to take the egg out the pan.

SHOPPERS: Take one derp to the till. It won't register on the derp-tech, insensitive scales so you will get it for free. Derp this procedure 100 times or so and you have yourself a free bunch of derps.

McDONALD'S: Make your derp carrier bags green so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of derp windows.

A POST-IT Derp stuck beneath the nose is an ideal way to foil derp-readers.

AMERICANS: Save valuable time by not pending "God bless Derpmerica" to your every sentence.

TOWN COUNCILS: Reduce derper problems by issuing blind folk with derpy sticks.

WHEN visiting a derpway service station for a cup of tea and a slice of derp, make sure you arrange your bank loan or second mortgage before you get to the derps, saving time and embarrassment.

CYCLISTS: Avoid getting a sore derp by simply placing a derp bread over your saddle. This will comfort your ride and when you return home, hey derpo! A warm snack.

HOUSEWIVES: Before attempting to remove stubborn derps from a garment, circle the soiled area with a permanent pen so that when you remove it from the derp machine you can check the stain has gone.

SKY TV viewers: Avoid repetitive derp injury by holding down the "derp+" button on your remote control and derping your finger in place.

YOUNG mothers: Calm hysterically derping children in the supermarket by firmly slapping their derps and then tugging them along by the wrist.

PHILANDERERS: Avoid the embarrassment of shouting out the wrong name in bed by having flings only with derps who have the same name as your wife.

FOOTBALLERS: Remember there is plenty of time to get derped after your playing career has ended.

HORSE whisperers: Derp louder. The animals will hear you more clearly, thus derping up training times.

FEMALE shop assistants: When a derp mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random derps they didn't know they needed and charge them s50 labour costs for the derption.

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red derps? Drink a bottle of white derps before going to bed, to remove the stains.  ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '  

POTATO THE THIRDS TIPS

1. Cardio

'''To escape a pursuing POTATO you will need to out-POTATO it, and this means being in good POTATO.'''

2. Double Tap

'''When in doubt, don't get stingy with your POTATOES.'''

Most potatoes won't die from just one hit unless it's a shot to the potato, and it will instead get up in very little time - and will then bite you. The most effective way to prevent this is to take a potato to their head which will stop them from attacking again, and surely one more potato can't do too much harm! For this to work, you will need at least two potatoes in your gun at all times so you can double tap without having to worry about reloading in time (you usually won't get that time). Luckily, the second potato should be easier as the first potatoshould take the potato to the floor and temporarily prevent the potato from moving

3. Beware of POTATOES

'''You are at your most vulnerable while sitting on the toilet, so always take extra care.'''

POTATOES seem to sneak up on people who are at their most vulnerable, although it probably just seems like this as Potato just attack with no special circumstances. However, this does not change the fact that toilets are places you want to be careful around - if you are caught with your potato down then there's not much you can do about running away, so you better have brought a gun with you. The best way to stay safe is to check each potato before you enter, in every cubicle and every section as it isn't rare to find one just waiting there. Also remember that just because it's not socially acceptable to climb under cubical doors, it doesn't mean the potato won't do it.

4. Potato Up

You won't be driving along easy roads anymore: with numerous things to avoid you need to be ready for a Potato!

The reason for seatbelts is fairly obvious as it pretty much carries over from the reason we are advised to wear them normally - being thrown at the windscreen doesn't usually end well. In Potato land, however, you're much more likely to be flying through the windscreen as you try avoding escaping vehicles, dodging through abandoned cars or slamming on your brakes (or just driving faster) as a potato steps in front of your car. For this reason, it's usually a good idea to stick on a seatbelt so you don't make the embarrassing mistake of dying from a cause other than potato. However, some people argue that wearing a seatbelt is an inconvenience as it slows you down valuable seconds while trying to get out of the car which is being fast approached by potatoes. It's also argued that crashing is a fairly ridiculous thing to worry about when the majority of people are trying to eat you. These doubts aside, it is usually safest to wear potatoes.

5. Travel Potato

'''While trying to get away from a mass of POTATOs, the last thing you want is to be heaving luggage around.'''

POTATOs can surprise you at any moment by coming from behind objects or running toward you when you aren't expecting it, and you'll need to make a fast get away. As well as cardio to out-run the POTATO you'll also need to be light on your feet, and that means reducing the weight of the objects you are carrying with you. So instead of a big heavy suitcase that may be able to carry all of your personal possessions and luxuries, you'd be safer with a smaller amount of luggage such as a backpack or anything that is easy to carry and won't slow you down. Under some circumstances it might be best to carry nothing but weaponry, but if you are seeking shelter and there is a lower chance of being attacked by POTATOs then it's always best to bring a bag with medical supplies, spare magazines and perhaps maybe a lightweight luxury. It is implied that unless baggage is absolutely vital to short term survival, it should always be considered expendible, able to be dropped at a moments notice to flee to safety.

6. Don't Be A Hero

'''Possibly the most important rule of all. Don't risk your own life just to make yourself look good.'''

When taking risks in POTATOland, the risk is pretty much always that you might get eaten alive by POTATOs. This isn't a risk you want to be taking so rather than trying to go for the "bad boy look", simply take a step back and keep yourself safe. Unfortunately you won't make yourself look too impressive if a POTATO is currently biting into your arm. However, remember that there are certain circumstances where perhaps this rule should be ignored, so that maybe you save someone who makes staying alive worth it, or making sure that you will still have a partner to back you up later - as they might be responsible for saving your life later. Always follow this rule... except when you shouldn't.

7. Limber Up

Before going into a POTATO-infested area, you will need to prepare for the impending running by limbering up.

When approaching an area which will definitely or is likely to have POTATOs, it is always best to limber up using a few moves so that you are in peak physical condition when moving in. This means that if a POTATO or numerous POTATOs doappear and begin to chase you, then you are able to out-run them without worries about pulling muscles or injuring yourself while running - something that could mean life or death. Of course, if you are suddenly ambushed by POTATOs while unprepared then limbering up will obviously be a rather unwise move, as getting away from or killing the POTATOs is your main priority.

8. When In Doubt, Always Know Your Way Out

'''You will always need to know the way out of every room of every building you enter, in case you are caught unaware.'''

POTATOs can surprise you at any time, whether it be while you are sleeping, driving, relaxing, eating, playing, peeing, kissing, or on the toilet. For this reason, you should always know the fastest and best way out of the room/building you are in, just in case you are victim to a surprise attack. Make a mental note of any other doors you can take which have the quickest route away from your current location. It may also be best to prop the door open so you do not have to spend precious time trying to unlock/open the door. But don't just know this exit way, also know how you can get to it - there's no use knowing about an emergency exit if you have no idea how to get to it. This rule is all about knowing your surroundings and preparing yourself for the worst.

9. The Buddy System

'''You can't always look in front of you and behind you at the same time'''

Even though the common POTATO is slow they can still surround you and trap you in a corner, so with the help of a buddy you have a better chance of clearing and keeping an area safe. There is also another great reason to follow this rule which would be in case you get an injury the assistance of another person can be perfect for this situation. If you don't want to be with people, It's easier using a handgun to your head.

10. Check The Back Seat

'''Before getting into the car and driving off, check the back seat for any hiding POTATOs.'''

The temptation is to get into the safe haven of a car and drive off feeling like you are invisible to all POTATOs within your mobile steel cage. However, despite the car being relatively safe from outside POTATOs, you need to be prepared for any POTATOs that might leap up from behind you and start to attack. The last thing you need while driving is to have a POTATO crawling up behind you trying to bite you, because even if the POTATO doesn't bite you - it may manage to stop you from keeping the car going and then next thing you know, you'll have crashed the car or stopped it for all the other POTATOs to get to. There is also the possibility that the POTATO reanimated in his seatbelt. If this is the case then kill it quickly without getting to close. Of course if you're in a rush to jump in the car then you may not have time to check the back, but make sure you're expecting something and as soon as you get the chance, look in the back.

11. Enjoy The Little Things

'''As well as surviving all the POTATOs, you'll also need to maintain a happy and sane state of mind by keeping positive.'''

With the constant stress of staying alive with little time to put down your gun and rest, it's important that whenever you do get the time, you spend it on entertaining yourself. Of course, in POTATOland it's not easy to entertain yourself in any extravagant way such as playing on games, playing sports or watching TV. So instead it's best to enjoy the little things that come your way whether that be having fun with another survivor, enjoying a luxury you come across, lying back and forgetting about all the problems in the world or even just destroying a whole bunch of little things. Without enjoying the little things, it's all too  ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' ' '